| Sporty Speaks from the Heart |
| " I remember or should I say I was told I did some crazy things in the sixties. You see, I was somewhat involved in the "Love Generation" activities. At Woodstock I sang back up with Country Joe and the Fish. When I lived in San Francisco my lady and I used to dance in circles during the "Love-Ins". I hung out with Allen Ginsberg and Rosemary Clooney. My friends at the Lilies of the Field Everlasting Angel Believers Conformist Church tell me I sometimes close my eyes during the sermon and twirl about endlessly chanting "Hare Krishna". Everybody thinks I'm speaking in tongues. All I know is I have a great time when I'm there. It really blows my mind." |
| " The best night of my life was at the Manhattan Bar in Leadville, Colorado. I'd been drinking cheap bourbon all night. I saw a lady across the room. With each shot she lost weight. With each shot her hair became soft and long and a beautiful red. With each shot I felt myself inch closer to her, so close I could feel her sweet breath brush against my lips. I remember her room across the street in a hotel. Her soft skin polishing my finger tips, her perfume that crawled up my nose and stayed there. I awoke the following day naked in a broken slumped bed with the strangest looking female I'd ever seen. When I realized what I'd done I took a deep breath, shook my head and kissed her like she was Rita Hayworth." |
| "So my doctor, Meldman Feldman tells me I have high blood pressure. Hell, I'm shocked I have any blood pressure at all." Dr. Meldman Humbolt Feldman |
| " I've been exercising lately to impress my latest girlfriend, Dominica Slather. She's a youngster all right, but like I tell the gang at the Holy Moly Freewill Baptist Bible Teaching Church, 'If God don't like me making time with this young lady then he can just take me home now.' As you can see I continue to walk the earth and most days I do it with a very big smile." Dominica Slather |
| " Let me quote my mother's favorite little saying when I was but a wee pup. 'Shut up you. Shut up you real in a hurry or I'll wipe your face real quick away from that grin.' My mother was very passionate about quiet and unnecessary happiness." Mother Dewhurst |
| " I told Dominica I'll take my shoes off at the door. I'll put the lid down after I urinate. I'll even dance the hula naked if she asks, but I gotta draw the line at going to her snooty book club meetings. So, she looks at me and says', Sporty, Dumplin', you'll like it. All the gals are fun. They bring their boyfriends and husbands. There's beer and eats.' I look at her a long time. I don't speak I just look. 'What?,' she says. What?, I say. Look, I'll go but I just might doze off or something. Needless to say, I'm hosting next month's meeting and reading a book to review for the gang. It's called A Bowl of Dreams and a Plate of Jellies. It is a biography about Stella McBride who lives a life of debauchery, sees an angel one particular night, in fact it was three nights running. The angel tells her to clean up her act, start eating healthy and practice bowling. Oh yah, the girls elected me Book Club President the other day." |
| "When the spring storms slide into my valley I look back to my days of whoopee and whimsey. Me and the boys, and sometimes a few of the ladies, would strike out into the night strip down to our bareskin and streak down Main Street like a pack of woofing Hyenas. Afterwards we'd drink a case or two of Hanley's Beer, laugh a lot and plot how we would bail out the slow runners from the local jail." |
| "Unlike most people I love the allergy season. I love how pollen swirls around the trees and shoots up from the fields of blooming nature. I get a few sniffles and need a little tender loving from my girlfriend, Arlene. She makes me dinner, massages my feet with an Aloe/ Captain Crunch lotion, applies a poultice of strawberry jelly and banana cream pudding to my chest. The best part about the whole thing is I really don't have any allergies. Arlene will never know. Heh, heh." |
| " I joined a cult straight out of college.They told me to give them all my money. I only had $2.58. They told me to cut ties with my friends and relatives. I did that. They also told me I had to change my name to Samaroo Dooroo. I asked what's wrong with my name. They said I needed a spiritual moniker as a sign of a re-birth. I told them I thought Sporty Dewhurst was spiritual enough. I made 'em give me my $2.58 back, but I said if you don't mind I'll go ahead and lose the relatives." |
| "So my friends at the Lucky Star Lounge are celebrating year one on the planet. That's good. I like the place because in the winter when my feet are cold I can meet a nice lady to get 'em warm again. When it's Spring time I can find a lady to take a romantic walk through the town. In the Summer I can find a lady who wears a sexy bikini and likes to model for me. In the Fall I can meet a lady who will roll around the colorful leaves with me after she rakes them into a pile. Heck, if it weren't for the Lucky Star I'd be sitting by myself at home in my underwear watching Gilligan's Island, eating French Onion dip with my fingers ,naming my toes, reading Green Eggs and Ham while poking my pet gopher, Stu, with a back scratcher. Thanks Lucky Star." |
| While Sporty is away on vacation to Paris please enjoy his friend Myrna Savoy's advice column, " Please, Myrna". Please, Myrna I need your help. Until recently my husband of eight years and I enjoyed a pleasant relationship. He has been spending his free time with a woman business associate. He claims it is strictly platonic. He bought her a diamond ring for her birthday claiming it means nothing that all the guys are doing it. Do I have something to worry about? Concerned Connie in Cuyahoga Dear Kookie Konnie: Oh you have nothing to worry about. Your man seems like such an angel. Any woman would love to have their man buy a darling sweet woman like his business associate a friendship gift. I think your husband should buy everyone a diamond ring. I bet all the guys at work exchange expensive perfume, too. |
While Sporty is away on vacation to Istanbul please enjoy his friend Myrna Savoy's advice column, " Please, Myrna". Please Myna, I need direction on a delicate problem I unknowingly created this late spring during my Thirty Year High School Reunion. I re-aquainted myself with my old flame Bill. We're both happily married, have three children and are active in our churches. Because of the amazing coincidences we easily rekindled our friendship. Needless to say after a few adult beverages, Bill and I rarely drink, we ended up making passionate love in a janitor's closet of the hotel, in an empty conference room, in the chemical room of the pool, in his rental car and in a stall of a gentlemen's club restroom. After the reunion Bill has repeatedly tried to contact me. His messages profess love. Did I lead Bill on by my actions? I barely remember the tender sweet moments we spent together. As I said I am happily married. Can you help? Devoted Wife in Corn, OK Dear Dumb and Devoted, Could you forward Bill's phone number to me? |
| While Sporty is away on vacation to Cairo, Egypt his close friend and former lover, Myrna Savoy, offers her advice with her column Please Myrna. Please Myrna recently I was caught in an uncompromising position with a barbershop quartet who was performing at our family reunion. To make a long story short there are photos floating around and a video that made it to YouTube. Needless to say my wife and girlfriend are not happy with what they have seen. The family has disowned me and the local Brotherhood of the Emancipated Iguanas have withdrawn my membership. I think everyone has over reacted. Please offer your opinion. I really respect your point of view. No Harmony in Henrico Dear No, Barbershop quartet?!! |
" What da ya mean it's July. Holy chili beans I'm never gonna drink like that again!" |
"While traveling in Romania I met a beautiful Roma woman. She was so lovely that it took my breath away. When we pitched woo I was breathing like I'd just run a hundred yard dash. We had to break up though. Her family didn't approve of me. They said I was too frisky for her and the family. I fail to see anything wrong with the naked body... even at dinner time. So what if I like to sling back a few beers and do the hootchie goochie. No matter what her family thought of me Eleni made me feel like a young teenager at the drive in. Yoo hoo!" |
| "There is a strange curtain of odd behavior over my current home town, South Denim, KY. As I walked over to the Ben Franklin to I saw young people buying things I never dreamt of buying when I was a youth. I turned to my new girlfriend, Litigious Danderthal Morton, and caught her gawking at the man with a shopping cart full of Nyquil and whipped cream cans. "Spoopie", she calls me, "why does that man have all the Nyquil and Whipped Cream?" "Lit" I say to her," There is a strangeness that stopped here and won't leave. Well she didn't respond to me. I turned around to see she had stepped off with the whipped cream guy. The last thing I heard of her was her uncontollable laugh shrieking through the sounds of the city until her voice was swallowed by a group of young toughs playing their hip hop music so loud it made me have to pee over at the Piggly Wiggly Grocery Store." |
| " I've had a tough week. FIrst thing is I had to break up with my girlfriend Starla Mondo Kane. I found out she was making time with a guy over at the Shimmy Shake Lounge in Reading, PA. One thing I'm all about is loyalty. Next, I had to cut loose my girlfriend I had here in town, Tanganika Holler. I caught her making googly eyes with the produce manager over at the Piggly Wiggly. I refuse to let a woman make a fool of Sporty Dewhurst. To make matters worse that same night my date with the new gal in church from Tuttle, Oklahoma, Estonia Fillmore got cancelled because her husband found out and I was stuck with two orders of meatloaf over at the Dew Point Cafe. One thing I learned from all of this is never order the food until your date shows up. Another thing is if you go ahead and eat both plates of meatloaf with mash potatoes and twice cooked carrots you'll be up all night wearing a path to the head." |
| "I was in town the other night to go to the Steppin" In Club for a little country dancing and female companionship. Sometimes I need to inhale the sweet floral scents of a lovely lady. I need the aroma of freshly sprayed hair spray and watch it hold the frosted curls in place as we scoot across the floor deciding if this is the one, the one who I will wrap in my love by night's end and fall deeply into the meaningful relationship I've been seeking all my life. Then, in one quick moment all that changes as my girlfriend, Celia Vanderhoover, steps into the room smelling like a freshly smoked hot dog covered in mustard and relish. She's dressed in a sleeveless polyester top with coffee stains down the front and stretch pants tight to her ever bulging bottom. I signal her over to my table. She waltzes over like the Queen of England. I order her a strawberry daiquiri and she is totally happy. I mean this can't be all bad. It's not my dream, but I do like the smell of a good hot dog." |
| " I enjoy laying upon my back in the cool September grass at midnight under a full moon. The stars take a back seat to the show of illumination. I listen to the tree frogs and crickets bring forth a chorus that calms me and comforts me like a hug from your momma just before bed time. To make these moments extra special my new girlfriend Ethylene brings out the beer bong and a six pack of a premium quality beer. As I guzzle and gaze Ethylene takes off her shoes and rubs my chest with her short stubby painted toes. If you don't mind the smell it feels pretty good." |
| "On my recent foray to Bali I spent the week at one of those adults only resorts. When I say adults only I figured there wouldn't be the bothersome children. I thought we'd be surrounded by adults relaxing in the sun, playing badminton or shuffleboard. Heck, I was game for some bingo, a few beers, bowling, you name it. What I discovered was a beach full of naked fat wrinkly people who proudly displayed their worst assets and thought nothing of shaking them at eye level. I frankly felt out of place dressed in my new cherry red Speedo so I said to myself,' Go for it Sporty. You're at least half as good looking as some of these half wits.' So I did. I stripped bare to the world along with my date Darlene Stewart. We played naked volleyball. We square danced naked. We swam naked and ate dinner naked. I got so bored with the whole thing I slept in my pajamas every night, took showers in a bathing suit and promised Darlene I'd get rid of all our vacation photos. Heh, heh. Well most of them." |
| "Twenty five years ago on October 6, 1984 I was best man in a wedding of my dear dear friend Schizzi Johosaphat. He was full of vigor and life back then. He's still bubbly as ever. His child bride Alabamarella is a sweetheart. She's the type of woman I would want for myself. In fact, once upon a time I made a play for Alabamarella. I let her know my feelings and promised the world if she dropped everything and went away with me. She looked at me and I can remember this like it was yesterday, she looked at me and said', Sporty it just won't work. Let me remind you of one thing,'looking me square in the eyes', You know my wedding anniversary is Tuesday. Schizzi is your best friend. You wear too much cologne and I think Smallette would be hurt to hear you talk this way.' I was quiet for a moment. She was right. The reason the memory is so crystal clear because it was yesterday. Smallette found out and she left me a long note in my toothbrush glass. She pretty much said goodbye and walked out. I am heartbroken. Well, I've got a date tonight. I hope this one works out because I need a date to Schizzi and Alabamarella's anniversary party." |
| Alabamarella and Schizzi Johosaphat |
| Sporty is writing from Acme Hospital this week "It's true I'm laying in a hospital bed. My butt is cold because I'm only wearing one of these backward gowns. I heard that the nurses were supposed to be cute at Acme Hospital. Maybe they'd be cute if I was stuck on a deserted island for the last ten years. So why am I here? I was climbing a tree. You can't tell me you haven't had the urge to climb a tree in your later years. I saw the pine with it's low branches. It reminded me of my youth sitting high in the tree, wind swaying us back and forth as I looked across the city. I felt relaxed and alone. I enjoyed those times. So I ask again. Haven't you felt like climbing a tree? Anyway I was hurrying up the tree and I slipped. I must have fallen about ten or fifteen feet. I broke my ankle. Thank God I fell on my girlfriiend, Isametra. She was at the base of the tree because she had chased me there with a large knife from her kitchen. I scurried up the tree since I didn't want to feel the business end of her Ginsu. Just because Shirley Montenegro called me last night and maybe a few other times this week and she might have sent me a couple of provocative photos on my cell. I can't control these women. So as I was saying as Isametra was at the base screaming and pointing her knife I slipped off the branch when I was yelling back. Before you know it I was atop Isametra and she was unconscious. Needless to say if she wakes up from her coma I'm breaking up with her." |
| "I was able to re-live one of my fondest memories the other night over at the Diamond Ballroom. It was Disco Night. I pulled out the old sequin leisure suit and showed up looking like a king. As the music kicked in I scanned the floor for a potential dance mate and there she stood, my ebony princess. Her name was Donna Winters. We danced the night away like it was 1975. Her hot gyrating body twirling around me sent my mind skywards and beyond. I was falling in love with this woman and she with me. So here's what went down. Donna excused herself to the powder room. I casually waited at our table sipping my mint julep. I waited longer and ordered another mint julep. After thirty minutes I walked over to the powder room and saw Donna's rhinestone left side high heel resting against the wall outside the door. I picked it up, caressed it. I asked a few ladies if Donna was inside. No they said. She had left in such a hurry I fathomed that Donna Winters lost a shoe and I would never see her again. I was heartbroken. From behind me a man tapped me and asked if I knew an African American lady who might be wearing one shoe. I said I did. ' She's passed out in the men's room on the toilet. Could you come remove her?' I took that lady home, put her to bed gently. She looked so innocent and doll like. Her snores created a rhythm. I actually danced to her nose music. As I knew it was time to take my leave I left Donna with a special memento of our brief time together. I left this ebony princess caressing one of my white patten leather shoes with the gold buckle. I never saw her again, but I will never forget how deep she was in my love.." |
| Halloween is a very special day for me. It reminds me of my first love, Sylvia Vantwissle. We had our first kiss over the glow of a Jack-O-Lantern. I was a young buck of sixteen and she was fifty three. Our time together, although brief, opened the door of love for me. It also brought me heart ache and pain. You see, later that night Sylvia broke my heart when she decided to return to her husband. I had to accept it. I knew our love was wrong. I never meant to fall in love with a bearded lady from the carnival. She was exotic and forbidden. It was Mondo Cane. As I look back I still consider my time with her as the best four hours I ever spent with a woman. |
| " It's true I sometimes feel lonely. I need some one to talk to at night in bed. I want to share my special moments like the time I accidentally nailed myself to the bedroom wall or the month I was lost on the Amazon or the episode I like to call " don't lay under an elephant.' It's those special times I really want to share with a loved one. Heck, I know I run through a harem's worth of ladies. If you lined my ex-wives up they'd look like a line to a popular movie. I am seeking my soul mate. It was Felicia Smothers or Jenny Dumtart or Laconia Duarte or Smyna Troy. It wasn't Minty Green or Daffette Rutland or Blanca White. Smiley Davis, Eva Spockmeister, Tundra Droll, Donna Ho, Chesty Taylor, Greeva Witz, Celia Crum, Basye Spores, Tonya Settings, Carumba Heights, Martha Raye, Jean Arthur, or even Chita Poodoll. It was none of them and that was just this year. Nah, I'm looking for the one. A very special lady that will give me space, leave me alone when I need my time. Listen. Someone who doesn't talk too much. I need a girl who likes to cook Mexican food, drinks Old Milwaukee and watch a lot of TV. I know she's out there somewhere. Now if you will excuse me I've got to get ready to go to the local disco night over at the Moose Lodge." |
| " I have a confession. I slipped up. I cheated on my girlfriend, Dayquil Tumbler. She's as sweet as can be. She's affectionate, warm, giving, a good dancer, an excellent cook, gives me space, cleans the house, does the laundry, gives great massages, changes the oil in the boat, tractor and car, volunteers at the Red Cross, holds a full time job at the Burger and Gut, sings in the church choir and baby sits her daughter's five children. I can't fault her, but I really crave more attention from her. I want to be appreciated a bit more. Dayquil just isn't doing it. So, one night I may have slipped up and made a little love with her sister Nyquil. Frankly, it was magic. As we lay there on the pull out couch in the quiet darkness I felt her long red hair droop across my shoulder. She nudged me gently. I caressed her chins, moved her deeply red lips to mine and kissed her. Then it happened, dang if Dayquil got off early from the Burger and Gut. As she bounced in the door and flipped on the lights her faced looked like a weak stomach at a zombie movie. She said she knew something was going on and that's why she came home early. I told her right then and there,' there is no way I can go with a woman who doesn't trust me,' and walked out on her. Nyquil decided things wouldn't work out for us either. It was just as well. That girl is a lot bigger and stronger than me. I have a rule, never date any lady who can beat me up." |
| Dayquil Tumbler and sister, Nyquil Door |
| It's that time again when I reflect upon the year past. I see each moment as a single thought. Each experience as a diamond in life. The glow of the rock shows many angles to each experience. For the next year I've decided to live in a Buddhist monastery in the Golden Triangle of Thailand. Good idea? Not necessarily. It is a center of violent rebels and drug lords. Why Thailand? I read about it in the National Geographic whilst enjoying a pleasant constitutional one fine snowy morning last week. Why leave on Christmas Day? All days are equal to me. So, while I am away finding my insides I have enlisted a dear friend of mine to take over the storytelling for 2010. Thanks to my fans and readers for a rewarding year. I'd most like to thank my collection of girlfriends and part time lovers without them I would be a soulless lump of flesh. My friend, Taps Wilhelm, will amaze you with introspection and deviant thoughts most people refuse to say out loud. Please be kind to him." Love, Sporty Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddha Now a Word from Taps Wilhelm: " Write what? This is the first I've heard about it. Call me next week." |
" I don't drink like I used to in the old days. The last time I really poured one on I drank a drink called a Putrified Pink Jello Belly Slammer. I must of had two, three dozen of them. I had to call my friend Spike for bus money a week later because I woke up in Tucumcari, New Mexico." |
| Sporty Dewhurst |