He came from humble beginnings. The
child of a elephant tamer father who
work with a small west Texas traveling
circus call "The Small West Texas
Traveling Circus" and a mother who
"could cook the best damn oatmeal in
Pumpkin Mike was different than other
children. He chose long walks alone
down dusty Midwest Texas roads. So
long sometimes on three occasions he
ended up 500 miles away on
Padre Island "looking for Mexico" as
his mother, Maryanne, would tell the
Pumpkin even at a young age existed
on a parallel plane of life few could
enter and even fewer could master.

Until the age of twelve there are
numerous stories about the young
His mother Maryanne once said of the
young Pumpkin,"I can see in my son a
wealth of adventures, that's for sure. I
often would tell Joey, his father, you
know that boy is going somewhere. I
really meant it too. We'd find him over
at the TG&Y Five and Dime Store
holding court over by the candy talking
to whoever would listen about world
politics, ham radios, Grape Nehi, you
name it the boy was a talking machine.
Before you know it we'd hear the boy
was in Midland discussing oil wells with
the workers or next he would be seen
in El Paso buying tamales for a needy
family, but he never came home late
except for those three times he walked
to Padre Island looking for Mexico. I'll
never understand that."

( read the column s to the right)
His father Joey remembers another
side of Pumpkin few know. "The boy
had no interests in training elephants
like his old man. Lord knows I tried,
but I would turn around and he'd be
over at one of the wagons talking to
Madelena the Bearded Lady or Bill
and Phil the Man with Two Heads or
just sitting outside the monkey cage
talking in some sort of gibberish, but
the monkeys understood him."

One of the most remarkable stories
was of Pumpkin visiting a flea market
in El Dorado, Texas. Although he had
never visited a flea market he
immediately located the owners and
their helpers involving all who would
listen in an in depth discussion of flea
market history, management and

Paulie Godwin, the owner of El Dorado
Weekend Flea Market, remembers
",That boy came out of nowhere,
grabbed a cup of coffee, sat down and
proceeded to talk and talk and talk. He
taught us things about our business
we'd been in for twenty years and
never even thought of. For a twelve
year old his knowledge of flea markets
was remarkable.

By the time he was done talking the
day was done. I looked around our
picnic table over by the office and
there must have been 50-100 people
standing and listening to the boy. It
was a magical day for all of us. We
invited him back, but we never heard
from him again."

( read the column s to the right)
And so was the case for all people who
knew the young Pumpkin. The years
from age 12 to 33 there are no records
of him.
Our reporting team checked school
records, but there were none in the
locations he was to have lived.
His parents refuse to discuss his
whereabouts during this time saying
"the boy can tell you if'n he wants to."

Rumors, definitely unsubstantiated,
have him traveling with The Small West
Texas Traveling Circus as a carpenter
for a while before he latched onto
another circus as an Optical
Enhancement Stimulator.

The years have simply disappeared for
Pumpkin until his re-emergence in
2008 when he famously saved the
Pumpkin from a horrible smashing

Now in 2011
Pumpkin Mike has
re-appeared again. In 2010 he was
kidnapped by aliens, taken to the
moon and appeared to be living the
good life. His replacement Pumpkin
had taken his place and for all
accounts the Real Pumpkin Mike was
now where he should be, happy, living
with very little gravity and married to at
least three alien females.

During the failed Rapture in May of
2011 Pumpkin Mike watched from afar.
He saw it was time for him to return to
Earth. He thought the first time he was
on the planet It wasn't that bad. I did all
I could do, but I thought if I went back
for the second time if I returned to help
people again we could all be happy.
( as reported during our interview Flag
Day, 2011)

Pumpkin Mike: Spiritual Leader
Is the World Ready for a New Godly like Creature to Step Up
After the Colossal Failure of the Rapture
Many are Ready for a Charismatic Whirlwind like Like Sri Pumpkin Mike
by Patrick GX-Patterson

The Conclusion and Final Chapter of  
Pumpkin Mike the Second Coming
To hear Sri Pumpkin Mike tell the story
you would think it was as simple as
opening your favorite bottle of beer.
The reality of the situation is Sri
Pumpkin Mike had decided to save the
world from itself.

Upon his return from the moon, he
came alone. His three wives dutifully
wait for his return. Pumpkin sought our
world spiritual leaders.

He visited the
Dalai Lama in India for
three days. For three days they
bowled, discussed world situations and
ate nachos.
In Europe he spent a week
and Eckhart Tolle
to get a sense of the planet from their
perspective. They are the ones who
suggested he add the Sri to his name.

Upon his return to the United States,
Sri Pumpkin Mike met with
Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart and
Kenneth Copeland at their personal

With Swaggart he played the piano
and sang with him in Baton Rouge, LA.
Robertson offered him dinner and a
place to stay. The two sat in the
garden discussing how to control
people's lives and with Mr. Copeland
he discussed healing by faith, the
laying on of hands and speaking in
Sri Pumpkin Mike was now ready to
officially return to gather his flock.
( read columns to the right please)
Pumpkin Mike blew into town like a
breath of fresh air. No smog or
pollution with this breath, all sweet
tasting and completely healthy for all
concerned. His breath, in fact, smelled
of the freshest Altoid breath mints ever
consumed. Except for a hint of beer I
would say it was nearly perfect.

As word spread people came from
miles around. Some traveled from as
far as Fisherville, Millwood, Round Hill
(both of them) and places like
Marshall, Cuckoo and Smudge, VA.
His arrival was causing quite a stir.

The tall and thin Sri Pumpkin Mike
walked slowly through the crowd
touching foreheads with his thumb,
kissing girls fully on the mouth,
anointing people with their favorite
adult beverage causing a major event

They asked," Pumpkin where have you
been? We've waited for you to come
back. It's been too long."

Some people cried, like local disco
artist Jaime Vaughan. I saw him, I saw
him. He touched me on the forehead.
I'll never wash my head again! Is it
glowing? I bet it's glowing." He ran
dancing through the street.
Others like the daughter of famous
actor, James Caan, quietly wept in
emotional heap." Pumpkin has come to
take us all back to the moon with him.

( read columns to the right please)
Do I need to pack anything?"
The crowd swelled to an amazing
proportion. Many calling his name.
Some groups lead chants. Others
sang his favorite music from the first
Grand Funk Railroad album.

"My friends," the crowd immediately
hushed", I have returned to our fair
little city here and to this place where I
was discovered as 'Pumpkin Mike' to
bring a message. A message of
change, a message of things to come."
He gazed out to the humbled mass
from all walks of life. City council
members good and bad stood together
arms locked, restaurant owners
huddled with competitors, lawyers
caressed criminals. It was a love fest to
the largest proportion.
" I plan to return to the moon", a
gasped came from the crowd", but
those who understand my message,
the message from the Pumpkin the
message I know you've heard a
hundred times, for those who know the
meaning of that day when I saved the
pumpkin from certain death and gave it
a second chance to glow again, you
will come with me." With that news the
massive crowd cried in happiness and
shouted good things.

He raised his hands. Silence.

The Absolute Finish to this Story
Sri Pumpkin Mike spoke", When the
clock strikes the hour of the day when I
decide to take whoever should be
going to the moon with me, you'll know
who you are.
Look among you at the beginning of
the new day. If you see them, they're
not going to the moon. If you don't,
chances are they'll be living the good
life with me and some of the most
bodacious alien creatures you've ever
All you need to do is understand the
true meaning of the Pumpkin and hey,
you're on your way."
The crowd turned confused." But when
will we know?
" You'll know when the clock starts the
new day after Saturday."
" Whut?!!" The cried.
" Midnight. I mean midnight."
One man asked, a small newspaperly
type with a pen behind his ear," Do
you mean like Friday and Saturday
midnight or Saturday Sunday midnight?
" Yes, Sri Pumpkin. Which is it?" They
cried again.
"Well normally I like to keep these
things kind of up in the air, but I'll say if
nothing happens to you by Saturday
Sunday midnight that you will be sorry
out of luck. No go.
Boom boom out go
the lights. No fly me to the moon. You'll
be stuck here with all the unbelievers
and the Pumpkin Mike impostor over
there." He pointed to a heavily tinted
broken down vehicle." Yep, you will still
have him, but you won't have me or
the moon and all the accouterments."

" So what you are saying, the
newspaperly man spoke again", If by
the Saturday Sunday midnight we look
around and whoever is here will not
have gone to the moon?"
Sri Pumpkin Mike reached down to the
man, gently held his head in his
monstrous hands and kissed a very
sweaty forehead.
" Yes, my newspaperly sweaty friend I
do mean exactly that.
Understand the Pumpkin Mike stuff,
you go. Don't get the idea, you're stuck
here with him." He pointed to the
broken tinted car.
"Your choice kids."

With a wave of his hand Sri Pumpkin
Mike calmly walked through the now
silent crowd, touching some, smiling at
others and fully kissing girls. He
disappeared between two buildings
and was gone.

As one person in the crowd, a strange
gentleman wearing glasses, a smoking
jacket and beret stated ",I'm planning
to go to the moon. I'll  find out the
meaning of this whole 'Pumpkin Mike'
stuff by Saturday and I'm all set.
Others cried not knowing their future
on earth or the moon.
I guess only Pumpkin Mike will know on
the night of June 25/26 at the stroke of
midnight when the song "
Fly Me to the
Moon" takes on a different meaning.
The Pumpkin Mike Series:
Written by Patrick GX Patterson
     Patrick GX Patterson 2011

If by any chance you think you are in these stories, you are wrong. It's only by coincidence that the person is just like you.
Also if you're offended by some of the religious content or lack thereof let me say right now... sorry.
This is just a fun goofy story and you shouldn't take every thing darn seriously. Really.
See you on the moon.